Hummus
by nighttimerunner
Summary: "He knew it was a bad idea to come tonight. A Christmas party hosted by Mr. Castle. Perlmutter lets out a huff. He has better things to do in his spare time." Perlmutter finds himself in a sticky situation. A Crack!Fic.


**A/N:** We were having an innocent (when are they really) conversation about a nice party game, but apparently my dirty mind can get prompted even by that.

For Dia, who loves Perlmutter so. ;) She is also responsible for Perlmutter's choice of curse phrases.

Takes place before 5x09.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine.

* * *

"Son of an echinococcosis," Perlmutter sighs as he rubs the wet towel vigorously over the stain marring his pants.

_For the love of scalpels, I am only making the stain worse._ He sighs again, as he glares at the rather large wet spot on the front of his slacks.

It really is a shame. The hummus and vegetable spread was the only positive part of this whole event. That is, until some of the light brown paste slipped off the carrot and landed in his lap. Luckily, it seemed that no-one noticed the mishap, but something had to be done. And fast.

Going to the upstairs bathroom would have meant running into several of his colleagues, and he could already imagine the horrible quality of the jokes his subordinates would come up with. So, he quietly made his way to the master bedroom and the adjoining bathroom. With everyone else using the other bathroom, he wouldn't be disturbed here.

He knew it was a bad idea to come tonight. A Christmas party hosted by Mr. Castle. Perlmutter lets out a huff. He has better things to do in his spare time (_like binge-watching Downton Abbey_), but his boss thinks he hasn't been social enough, so here he is. Standing in his festive Santa boxers in Mr. Castle's bathroom, trying to scrub his pants clean.

Suddenly the bathroom door opens with a bang (should have locked the door) and a couple stumbles in, locked in a rather heated kiss. He instantly recognizes the writer but does a double-take when the woman utters a breathy _Oh, Castle!_

Honestly, he thought that Detective Beckett had better taste in men. He scoffs, but the pair pays him no mind. They have closed the door and are both facing it, as they hurry to get the necessary clothing out of the way.

The detective balances one hand on the door as she uses the other to remove her underwear. She steps out of them one foot at a time and then reaches back blindly to give them to Mr. Castle.

The writer slips them into the pocket of his pants, as he finishes unzipping them. When he's done, his slacks and boxers (_Oh, they're almost identical to his_) pool around his ankles. He crowds her back and helps her shove up her skirt, before sliding into her.

Their mutual groans of ecstasy bring Perlmutter back to the moment and he averts his eyes. _Well, this is awkward. And highly uncomfortable._ He clears his throat loudly, but it has no effect on the couple. With the sounds they're making, he's not all that surprised that they don't hear him.

Since the only exit is blocked by the copulating couple lost in their own world, Perlmutter sighs and sits on the edge of the bathtub to wait. Well, he needs to wait anyway until his pants have dried a bit more. And by the looks of it (_it is almost impossible _not_ to look when they are right in front of him_), the coitus isn't going to last very long.

Mr. Castle has set a punishing pace with his powerful thrusts and based on the sounds the detective is making, she is enjoying it wholeheartedly.

As a doctor, he has seen his fair share of nude human bodies, but he has to admit that he is now looking at two very fine specimens. The detective, with her lean and tall body, is downright stunning, but he has never really taken notice of Mr. Castle before now.

The ME is comfortable enough in his masculinity to admit that Mr. Castle is extremely attractive. Anatomically speaking, of course. Especially, when he lifts up his shirt out of the way and reveals a firm pair of glutei maximi.

Transfixed on the well-formed muscles, Perlmutter notices that the writer's thrusts are getting more uncoordinated. He suspects they are nearing the end and as if on cue, the pair lets out simultaneous cries as they reach their climax.

He tears his eyes off Mr. Castle's derrière as Detective Beckett turns to give her partner one more kiss. Afraid that the embrace could lead to another round, Perlmutter clears his throat again before saying in his usual annoyed tone "If you're quite done here…"

The pair disengages slowly and two sets of wide eyes turn to stare at him in horror. Nobody says or does anything, so he sighs _again_. "As much as I have enjoyed this experience, I would like to point out that you are currently blocking the exit, thus preventing me from rejoining the delightful party."

They blink at him once and then suddenly spring into action. Mr. Castle bends down to pull his pants up (_he most certainly enjoys the view_) and Detective Beckett shimmies her dress back into place.

Neither of them says a word to him as they scurry out of the room, but he can hear them start talking as they finish rearranging their clothing in the bedroom.

"That was incredibly _hot_! We're _so_ having bathroom-sex-in-a-party again," the writer says and Perlmutter shakes his head at the enthusiasm in his voice.

He looks down at his tenting boxers and has to disagree with the detective when he catches her fading words, as they make their way back to the party.

"Yeah. But next time, let's do it without Perlmutter."

**End.**


End file.
